How to prepare for a tough conversation

Ever felt like you've lived an entire day by 9am? I certainly have. As a leader, you're expected to be a superhero, tackling problems and diving into tough talks like a pro. But let's face it, those conversations can be as welcome as a Monday morning alarm. The higher you climb, the more you face them, and the more people expect you to handle them like a breeze.

I tackle this myself and with teams I work with using targeted exercises, and bring it into the conversation as part of a skillset of emotional intelligence. For me, this is a practice, and I try to imagine like training a muscle. Knowing where your resilience level is at, recognizing when you need a boost, and actually taking a moment to recharge before showing up for others is a critical skill for leaders, especially if you want to create a sustainable career that you don’t hate.

Here are 4 simple steps you can do today to manage a challenging conversation that’s coming your way.

Do a quick systems check

 Am I ready for this conversation?  What’s my mood?  What’s my energy level?  I make it a habit to look ahead in my schedule and do a quick systems check if there’s anything I might perceive as difficult. Challenging client?  Heavy situation?  Hard truth time?  If anything like this is ahead, I know I can’t be running on fumes, upset, or overtired if I want to be my best. Everyone knows the awful feeling of being in an awful mood, or being very tired and then botching a challenging conversation.  Checking your mood and resilience levels in advance allows you to make an appropriate plan for the conversation and is the first step in handling these situations more effectively. 

Give yourself a battery boost

If you know your mood and energy is not where it needs to be, try doing something small in the few minutes you have to change the situation.  Small actions like taking a few deep breaths, stretching, or taking a walk can interrupt a train of thought that’s not helpful and boost you to get you ready for the work ahead.  Simple activities like deep breathing or mindfulness, even in really small amounts can increase cognitive ability, decision making, and positive emotional states (Seppala et al, 2020).  You know yourself best, and what works for you.

Set your intention

Before you head into a tough situation, take a deep breath.  What’s your intention?  What do you want the other person to know?  Sometimes I even set a word I want to keep in mind- maybe if you came in feeling fiery, “kind,” might be helpful or if you think you might be veering towards being a pushover, “boundary,” is a strong choice.  Setting your intention and a word to keep in mind, or written on a Post-It is a way to ground yourself even if the conversation doesn’t go your way.

If all Else Fails, Delay, Defer, or Delegate

If you’re still not where you need to be to be even 70% of your best, employ the tried and true delay, defer, or delegate.  Delay is useful if you think you can gather yourself if you put off the meeting for later in the same day, or just start a little later.  Even 15 minutes of additional prep and mindfulness can make a big difference to be present, clear, and ready, and most people understand that we all get behind in a day.  Defer involves you rescheduling the meeting.  This can be hard for leaders who love to be there for their teams, but if you know you’re walking in in a horrible mood with no energy and no ability to be compassionate and clear, rescheduling is the courageous choice. Saying, “I want to give you the support you deserve in this conversation, and today, I know I can’t.  Could we reschedule so I can really be all in on this one for you?” is a strong choice that lets the other person know you care enough to show up well.  Delegate is the third choice, and one that teams can employ easily.  Asking a colleague to join you, or asking a colleague to take over for you is a solid choice.  “I’m going to ask Sarah to join us today; I really value her opinion.”

Conclusion

The one thing I know for sure is that these skills get easier with practice active reflection.  I'm not a superhero; I was never. person who ran towards conflict. But I have worked at it consistently, and I continue to work on it so that I can do my best to show up as the person I want to be when times are tough with other people.  I can honestly say I continue to grow those muscles and the conversations that used to flatten me are now not so hard. 

These are just a few tools I keep in my toolbox for leaders and for myself when I support them as individuals or in teams.  

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